Sometimes, the only way out is through.

Sometimes, the only way "out" is through.

For years, I endeavored to NOT be a victim.

I was so tired of feeling like one, that by the time I was 26, I was already sold on an opposite idea:

"I am going to change my ENTIRE life."

I don't mean just get a slightly better-paying job, a better relationship, a slightly fitter body.

No, I was sold on a vision.

I saw myself free, being anyone I wanted to be, anywhere in the world. And of course, all the bells and whistles like the business, the body, whatever else.

Call it youthful foolishness, but it served me. I could still believe in childlike dreams - enough to make them happen - despite my ignorance (and arrogance).

But something happened when "things started to get better".

Suddenly I was no longer in a survival threat.

So I relaxed.

And so, my old coping habits slowly started to make a comeback, like a soft blanket, along with a multitude of reasons why I was justified in avoiding my responsibilities.

When you're in survival mode, every choice is clear. Stress makes you hyperfocused. You do what you have to do.

But when the "immediate threat" lifts, when you have breathing room again, ohhhh - that's when all those old patterns come creeping back like familiar houseguests.

You know the saying that hard times create strength, which creates good times; and good times create weakness, which ultimately creates hard times?

It's true that weakness creates hard times. But good times don't have to create weakness. We just use good and bad times as excuses to make weak choices. Just like we keep saying we'll do better in "better times".

The problem isn't that "hard times" make us strong or "good times" make us weak. The problem is we're always looking for excuses to avoid what we know we should do, regardless of circumstances.

"When times are better, I will work out. When times are better, I will eat better. When times are better, I will..." and so on.

So although I ended up making it work in my 20s, I still got myself into another feedback loop that felt like entering a smoothie maker and coming out disoriented. "How did I get here?" I was again heavy, tired, and struggling. I was looking at the same view yet again, from the same building and window, overlooking the same hill and sky. But this time, I was seeing from a higher floor. This time, I understood what was happening, so I was able to intercept and change directions.

Just like that, without judgment: Look at it, accept it for what it is. It's a burnt toast. It tastes bitter, but that's what burnt toast tastes like. Stop fighting the taste, or justifying why it happened. Just observe what led you here, and choose better next time.

If you do this with compassion and patience, for the love of who you are becoming in the process, you will "get there".

Feedback loops create a spiral by default, but is it upward, or downward? That's the question. And life will always show you where you are and where you're heading if you're willing to see its feedback. If you don't like what is, all you have to do is unhook yourself from all the stories and choose to do better. You may not always be aware of every single choice, but you have to stay aware enough to know when your path needs interception and adjustment. So whatever you do my friend, stay awake. Don't fall asleep in the field of poppies. 

Until next time.